Hello jm-2026
Thank you for saying Hi and sharing yourself with me. It's really good to meet you. You really struck a chord with me in relation to being bullied at school and your attempts these days to "wing it", with very little success! Life can be really tough at times, can't it
Also like you, I have a tendency to steer away from large groups and over the past few years especially, I have isolated myself more and more. At the same time however, I really want to connect! I am such a social people person sometimes, and equally the opposite at other times! During the past few years, my natural optimism (which has proved to be a major resiliency factor) has definitely decreased, and that's coincided with a tendency to need more alone time. I've been thinking alot today about the kind of paralysis I feel due to having such opposing, contradictory needs. I fear making big changes these days because I am so emotionally inconsistent while drowning in self doubt, so instead, I fight the urge to be impulsive and just struggle along on the same brain loop dilemma. I also make life difficult for myself because I impulsively make (smaller life) decisions all of the time, and so on a daily basis I struggle with over-commitment, whilst also holding on to things I probably should let go of, but can't face doing for fear of regret! I'm sorry this is all over the place. It really does reflect my mind at the moment. I long for clarity and to feel understood - by me and by others. The level of not knowing myself feels so unsafe and worrisome. In some ways it's quite familiar too as there have been several periods in my life that have been hallmarked with confusion, self doubt and paralysis. I have this desperate need to know and to understand me and my situation - Is it ADHD? Is it ASD? Is it CPTSD or AuDHD?? Is it all of these or is it something else entirely different? I try to explain how I feel to people by saying that I used to be like a cup of coffee that was filled to the brim, but most of the time I carried myself very carefully and therefore didn't spill over too often. Since being on the rollercoaster of perimenopause however, that cup of coffee is spilling coffee all over the place and I can't seem to stop myself from splashing all over everybody, and I feel so terribly bad about it! I'm still so new on this journey so I'm not sure if I'm right when I say, I think that reflects how good I was at masking, and how difficult it has been during recent years to keep the mask in place. I don't even really know what has been the mask and what is actually me as I am pretty sure I started shaping myself to be a certain way from infancy in order to survive in my family home. All this leads me to question, "Who am I then?" I feel like I'm going through an identity crisis and it's being aired on TV for everyone to see because my ability to hide my struggles has been replaced by an increased tendency to overshare!
