I'm in the process of the mask slipping after 51 years, so many things going on in my head, trying to workout past and immediate traits, what is quite strange for me is the feeling of being observed via inner me, it's so surreal my mind has been blown away this past week with realisations of my whole life being a performance and just seeing it all now, I feel alone as my family don't understand alot of it all although they are also neurodivergent (it's missed noone) I know everyone is different but I feel I'm not believed with it being so many years before the mask decided to drop.
Observer
- Thread starter Jaye75
- Start date
I myself only became aware I was autistic at the end of last year, and that's been an "interesting" journey that I'm feeling more comfortable with now, though it's taken several months to get there. But the "observer" thing (or "the watcher" as I tend to think about it) is something I started to think about several years ago, after diving into mindfulness for a while. I'm wondering if with you it's the perspective of the later that has revealed the former to you?
It can all be a bit disconcerting and be a lot to process when you have that initial epiphany, at least from my own experience and what others have shared of their own - it does take time to work through, though everyone is different.
Having forums like these where you can put your thoughts into words does I think help with that processing, and can help you find your feet. I'd argue not to let other people (i.e. people not believing you) sway you too much on what you're thinking and feeling - that will hopefully become clearer as you give yourself time to work it out.
It can all be a bit disconcerting and be a lot to process when you have that initial epiphany, at least from my own experience and what others have shared of their own - it does take time to work through, though everyone is different.
Having forums like these where you can put your thoughts into words does I think help with that processing, and can help you find your feet. I'd argue not to let other people (i.e. people not believing you) sway you too much on what you're thinking and feeling - that will hopefully become clearer as you give yourself time to work it out.
Your reply is appreciated, I have decided to just not tell anyone out of my immediate family, as they obviously see a huge change in me. Yes I feel the observer/watcher has always been there, but it wasn't a big thing just a little niggle, they have decided to calm down for now, but everything 'light,smell,sound' is amplified now, where as before I just shook things off as being over sensitive & that was it, I'm much more planned when venturing outdoors, not that I'm doing much of it, only if it's necessary. My daughter (32) seems to be the 1 who listens, not fully understanding but listening is enough for me. Imagine performing then finding out it was all a lie, it's like wow who on earth am I then 
. I tried to explain to her what it feels like when I'm overwhelmed, the only way I could describe was it's sort of like an inner panic that turns into total brain fog with the absolute exhaustion of taking another step and feel you will just collapse & the only way I can get a clearness is deadly silence for hours, if I'm still pent up the bass goes on for 30/40 mins & that helps me immensely with rocking/tapping. But most of my day atm is silent, the only thing that gets me is the craving for input/knowledge but as you know once we start that we get lost, I'll find myself and learn as I go along but it's so hard to accept your whole life was a lie basically.
. I tried to explain to her what it feels like when I'm overwhelmed, the only way I could describe was it's sort of like an inner panic that turns into total brain fog with the absolute exhaustion of taking another step and feel you will just collapse & the only way I can get a clearness is deadly silence for hours, if I'm still pent up the bass goes on for 30/40 mins & that helps me immensely with rocking/tapping. But most of my day atm is silent, the only thing that gets me is the craving for input/knowledge but as you know once we start that we get lost, I'll find myself and learn as I go along but it's so hard to accept your whole life was a lie basically.Yes, I can understand that. I went through a lot of sleepless nights after my own realisation - it took several months to get over the guilt and regret of not knowing sooner, which seems to be common. But the way I look at it is at least I know now. I can't change the past, but at least I am now better placed to shape the future.
And the masking thing - again, takes a while to get your head around I think, for myself I tried to concentrate on the habits / behaviours that I felt would improve my life - a work in progress, but I found that focus on what mattered to me to be helpful.
I think you'll find that people here will be able to identify with with a lot of what you're describing. The experience is different for everyone, but there are common themes that most of us are able to identify with. Hope your time on this forum helps
And the masking thing - again, takes a while to get your head around I think, for myself I tried to concentrate on the habits / behaviours that I felt would improve my life - a work in progress, but I found that focus on what mattered to me to be helpful.
I think you'll find that people here will be able to identify with with a lot of what you're describing. The experience is different for everyone, but there are common themes that most of us are able to identify with. Hope your time on this forum helps
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