My most concerning Trait

T5Owner

Member
I wanted to see if anyone else experiences what I consider to be my most concerning/personally damaging trait. My reason for this is to see if it is a common ASC thing or if it is something that I have picked up as a mechanism.

Since I can remember I have had a cycle of change. It affects relationships, employment and living circumstances. I just get to a point where I cannot bear to remain in that scenario.
- With Employment this has generally required a change somewhere between 6 and 24 months in the role, any longer than that has only been because I cannot get out of the job (I served in the forces) or really fighting it (which comes with its own Mental health consequences). I am now 47 years old and have had over 30 jobs since leaving school.
- With relationships, I struggle to maintain interest after 2 years or so. My longest relationship is 11 years with the Mother of my Daughter, but I do admit to being emotionally unavailable for most of the relationship.
- Living circumstances isn't as bad, I've had lots of 'Homes', but this is also due to the above 2 issues.

I am currently really struggling with my employment. I took the job in 2017 as I was homeless at the time and they offered a relocation package that allowed me to get into a privately rented flat, but it is 150 miles away from my 'Home town'. I started struggling against my head in 2019 and agreed a working from home policy with my employer, to allow me to move back close to family. In March 2020 I experienced a sudden 'Burn out' where I was unable to work, this led into Furlough as the COVID situation took a hold and I ended up off of work until March 2021. I have been back at it Working from home since then, but everyday is a massive struggle and I am worried about leaving myself homeless again.
It is something that I have been pushing for support with whatever organisations I can, but have found nothing until I came across this Mentoring programme.
 

BlueSkye

New member
Hi T5Owner, same here. Longest employment is 10 yrs plus, but had serveral different posts whilst there. 18 Months I am looking for something else. Same in relationships. Currently choosing to be single, for past 27 years. I am 59 and can't count the number of jobs. But, past 20 ish years, have followed an area of interest in my career, and this has helped. I have worked in a number of roles that work with my field of interest, from different pespectives; voluntary sector, local government, police and NHS, so now have niche expertise. I didn't really start to focus like this until I was 40.
 

T5Owner

Member
Hi T5Owner, same here. Longest employment is 10 yrs plus, but had serveral different posts whilst there. 18 Months I am looking for something else. Same in relationships. Currently choosing to be single, for past 27 years. I am 59 and can't count the number of jobs. But, past 20 ish years, have followed an area of interest in my career, and this has helped. I have worked in a number of roles that work with my field of interest, from different pespectives; voluntary sector, local government, police and NHS, so now have niche expertise. I didn't really start to focus like this until I was 40.
Hi BlueSkye, thats the same as me, my longest employment was 11 years in the forces, but that involved many different roles within the role. Anything after that has been singularly focused which has not helped. It also doesn't really help that I struggle with identifying interests. In hobbies I tend to focus on one thing for 18 months or so (again with the 18 months) and then move onto the next so nothing that could be career defining really.
 

AllyMcb

New member
If you know that that 's your cycle plan around it- my longest job role was 3 years but I haven't been unemployed for a decade.
 

AllyMcb

New member
If you plan sensibly, you can incorporate enough change to satisfy your change needs and enough development along one path to increase your salary.
 

T5Owner

Member
If you plan sensibly, you can incorporate enough change to satisfy your change needs and enough development along one path to increase your salary.
That definitely depends on your location and career.
I trained in the forces as a mechanic and live in an area where the only option for a mechanic is to work in garages or dealerships. Neither of which provide a suitable income for a single person to sustain a lifestyle. Many of my former colleagues have had to take to living in vans or house sharing etc.
I took the path of getting a job with a manufacturer but it's out of the area and away from my family (support circle), but affords me an income that enables me to sustain a sensible single lifestyle, as I have progressed into engineering roles (that pay substantially more than mechanical roles). My employer allows me to distance work, so that I can be near my support circle now, but, when it next comes to needing to change jobs no amount of planning will guarantee me any of the above. It's a massive source of worry.
 

Floz

New member
I can certainly relate to aspects of this, I was the same with jobs for many years - in my case I'd do a job for a year or two and become very unhappy or overwhelmed and end up quitting with minimal or no notice and start again.
I also did this 'cycle of change' thing (I like that term!) with friendship groups and interests, for sure.

It has slowed down for me in recent years and I've been able to stay in jobs long term, and maintain some longer term friendships and interests. This may not be applicable for you, but I noticed that in my case it was partly me trying out different aspects of my identity and different lifestyles, and as I had the opportunity to understand myself better it seemed to get easier. Also, it was very hard to do, but learning to slow down before burning out has helped me so much, though I know this isn't possible in every job.

I think it's difficult for us because our interests and passions can be intense in an all-or-nothing kind of way, and they can sometimes abruptly end and move on to something else.
You said " I just get to a point where I cannot bear to remain in that scenario." I was wondering what that feels like, and whether it's more about getting away from the present scenario or about wanting to enter into a new scenario?

The fear about employment insecurity is definitely not fun, I worry about this all the time too. However, despite all the changes you've experienced, it does sound like you are progressing your career.
I wonder if there are any warning signs for you when the end of a cycle is approaching. Maybe if you could see these coming, it would allow you a bit more planning time. Is there anyone who has known you a long time who might be able to help you spot these? Just an idea! :)
 

T5Owner

Member
I can certainly relate to aspects of this, I was the same with jobs for many years - in my case I'd do a job for a year or two and become very unhappy or overwhelmed and end up quitting with minimal or no notice and start again.
I also did this 'cycle of change' thing (I like that term!) with friendship groups and interests, for sure.

It has slowed down for me in recent years and I've been able to stay in jobs long term, and maintain some longer term friendships and interests. This may not be applicable for you, but I noticed that in my case it was partly me trying out different aspects of my identity and different lifestyles, and as I had the opportunity to understand myself better it seemed to get easier. Also, it was very hard to do, but learning to slow down before burning out has helped me so much, though I know this isn't possible in every job.

I think it's difficult for us because our interests and passions can be intense in an all-or-nothing kind of way, and they can sometimes abruptly end and move on to something else.
You said " I just get to a point where I cannot bear to remain in that scenario." I was wondering what that feels like, and whether it's more about getting away from the present scenario or about wanting to enter into a new scenario?

The fear about employment insecurity is definitely not fun, I worry about this all the time too. However, despite all the changes you've experienced, it does sound like you are progressing your career.
I wonder if there are any warning signs for you when the end of a cycle is approaching. Maybe if you could see these coming, it would allow you a bit more planning time. Is there anyone who has known you a long time who might be able to help you spot these? Just an idea! :)

I was wondering what that feels like, and whether it's more about getting away from the present scenario or about wanting to enter into a new scenario? - The last 2 times it has happened, it has been like an overwhelming amount of noise in my head that has me to the point of getting dizzy/brinking on passing out, and I just lose the ability to do anything, so I think it is about getting on top of the thoughts etc.... which may be helped with now being on ADHD meds (but I haven't proved that out and hopefully won't have the opportunity to).

The trouble is, I don't think it matters how much planning time I do get this time, I was so fortunate to find the job that I did last time it happened (as they are an manufacturer that is renowned for paying well) that any other job now would mean not being able to afford my monthly bills as it would be a reduction in income (of around £12k a year), and bills have been hiked over the COVID period to the point where I couldn't make the 2 meet.
I have taken advice from the local adults care assessment team around trying to get into social housing that would be of massive help should I need to leave this job, but would also improve my finances massively if I stayed in the job but just had social rent rather than private rent (just to give an insight to anyone that isn't aware of rental prices where I am, the going rate for a 2 bed flat is £1300 PCM with nearly £200PCM council tax on top) if it was possible to go into a 1 bed I would but I have a daughter who I would feel I was letting down, and sharing is out for the same reason.
 

Rechnin

Active member
I wanted to see if anyone else experiences what I consider to be my most concerning/personally damaging trait. My reason for this is to see if it is a common ASC thing or if it is something that I have picked up as a mechanism.

Since I can remember I have had a cycle of change. It affects relationships, employment and living circumstances. I just get to a point where I cannot bear to remain in that scenario.
- With Employment this has generally required a change somewhere between 6 and 24 months in the role, any longer than that has only been because I cannot get out of the job (I served in the forces) or really fighting it (which comes with its own Mental health consequences). I am now 47 years old and have had over 30 jobs since leaving school.
- With relationships, I struggle to maintain interest after 2 years or so. My longest relationship is 11 years with the Mother of my Daughter, but I do admit to being emotionally unavailable for most of the relationship.
- Living circumstances isn't as bad, I've had lots of 'Homes', but this is also due to the above 2 issues.

I am currently really struggling with my employment. I took the job in 2017 as I was homeless at the time and they offered a relocation package that allowed me to get into a privately rented flat, but it is 150 miles away from my 'Home town'. I started struggling against my head in 2019 and agreed a working from home policy with my employer, to allow me to move back close to family. In March 2020 I experienced a sudden 'Burn out' where I was unable to work, this led into Furlough as the COVID situation took a hold and I ended up off of work until March 2021. I have been back at it Working from home since then, but everyday is a massive struggle and I am worried about leaving myself homeless again.
It is something that I have been pushing for support with whatever organisations I can, but have found nothing until I came across this Mentoring programme.
I have had the same issue as well.
 

YogaD

New member
That is difficult, My issue seems to be the opposite. I'm very reluctant to consider changing a job, relationship or course of education, no matter how badly I'm struggling. I had long periods of unemployment after (barley) graduating but have now been employed for the best part of ten years in homelessness support roles that have been causing me ever increasing stress until the point of complete burnout and breakdown. Now 2.5 months off on the sick and don't think I can go back.considering taking a 20 hour job in reception of local town hall which will leave me broke but hopefully will cover mortgage and not impact as heavily on my mental health. I do totally identify with "every day being a struggle" at work and have also spent good bit of time homeless (although I didn't realise how long I'd been technically homeless (not having a place of my own), took me to end up in a hostel for two years to really get clarity on where I was at).
 

T5Owner

Member
That is difficult, My issue seems to be the opposite. I'm very reluctant to consider changing a job, relationship or course of education, no matter how badly I'm struggling. I had long periods of unemployment after (barley) graduating but have now been employed for the best part of ten years in homelessness support roles that have been causing me ever increasing stress until the point of complete burnout and breakdown. Now 2.5 months off on the sick and don't think I can go back.considering taking a 20 hour job in reception of local town hall which will leave me broke but hopefully will cover mortgage and not impact as heavily on my mental health. I do totally identify with "every day being a struggle" at work and have also spent good bit of time homeless (although I didn't realise how long I'd been technically homeless (not having a place of my own), took me to end up in a hostel for two years to really get clarity on where I was at).
I do struggle with the leaving, to the point of burn out. In relationships this has pushed the partner away as I appear to have very little interest in it due to the struggle in my head. With work, it gets me down as I am constantly seeking the 'Next move'.

Your situation sounds very similar, I am also considering the options. 1 of which is to get into social housing and maybe start my own micro business/businesses, so that I lose the worry of the homelessness.
 

YogaD

New member
I do struggle with the leaving, to the point of burn out. In relationships this has pushed the partner away as I appear to have very little interest in it due to the struggle in my head. With work, it gets me down as I am constantly seeking the 'Next move'.

Your situation sounds very similar, I am also considering the options. 1 of which is to get into social housing and maybe start my own micro business/businesses, so that I lose the worry of the homelessness.
After the time in the hostel, I moved into my first proper tenancy with a social housing provider. It was an amazing feeling and I did not realise how much I invested my sense of security in it until I decided to give it up so I could get married and move in with new wife(we had essentially been living together from soon after we met as she had children and lived a fair distance away). I love my wife and my family but suddenly being partially responsible for a mortgage, the upkeep of a house as well as taking on a family (great kids, one of whom is a great deal to do with me getting a diagnosis - he's autistic and spotted that I was too) has been incredibly stressful. The flat I had was in the West End of Glasgow in a nice area, it was small but everything I needed and with a very reasonable rent. When I moved in I thought I would stay there forever, safe in the knowledge that when I was working I would only have to do a little work to cover the rent and that the housing provider would take care of any repairs/upkeep. I was going to say "I'll never know if I made the right decision" but I'm not sure that's true, although I'm facing tough times again after burnout from working in homelessness past ten years, and I often hanker after the simplicity of my social housing flat (I'm currently having a lot of communication difficulties with my wife and family since my masking strategies dissolved under the stress of work) - I still consider my relationship with my wife and my family my greatest achievement. I can however vouch for the security that good social housing provides if you can get some.
 

T5Owner

Member
After the time in the hostel, I moved into my first proper tenancy with a social housing provider. It was an amazing feeling and I did not realise how much I invested my sense of security in it until I decided to give it up so I could get married and move in with new wife(we had essentially been living together from soon after we met as she had children and lived a fair distance away). I love my wife and my family but suddenly being partially responsible for a mortgage, the upkeep of a house as well as taking on a family (great kids, one of whom is a great deal to do with me getting a diagnosis - he's autistic and spotted that I was too) has been incredibly stressful. The flat I had was in the West End of Glasgow in a nice area, it was small but everything I needed and with a very reasonable rent. When I moved in I thought I would stay there forever, safe in the knowledge that when I was working I would only have to do a little work to cover the rent and that the housing provider would take care of any repairs/upkeep. I was going to say "I'll never know if I made the right decision" but I'm not sure that's true, although I'm facing tough times again after burnout from working in homelessness past ten years, and I often hanker after the simplicity of my social housing flat (I'm currently having a lot of communication difficulties with my wife and family since my masking strategies dissolved under the stress of work) - I still consider my relationship with my wife and my family my greatest achievement. I can however vouch for the security that good social housing provides if you can get some.
Sorry to hear that you are struggling. Sounds like this course came along at the right time for you too.
That sense of security is massive and I felt it so strongly when I took this job back in 2017 and was able to get into a privately rented flat. At that time I was hoping that it was my forever job and that I would be able to get on the property market myself with that security, and being able to save some money for the deposit. Then I started seeing the same old cycle come back (I wasn't aware of being Autistic at tat point) and needed to move back south closer to family and into a more expensive rented property. This removed the possibility of saving and lessened that secure feeling.
What I would like to do is understand the cycle and be able to strategise confidently, so that I can move back to Coventry and cheaper rent and get back to saving for my own place.
 

YogaD

New member
The course has appeared in my life at just the right time. I have a whole range of emotions just now anger, grief, fear but also sometimes elation and joy. I'm crying for the first time in many years. Sometimes the moments when things fall apart in life are the moments with the most potential. Your plan seems good, I hope the course helps you fulfil it, as I hope it will help me find a new direction of travel.:)
 

T5Owner

Member
The course has appeared in my life at just the right time. I have a whole range of emotions just now anger, grief, fear but also sometimes elation and joy. I'm crying for the first time in many years. Sometimes the moments when things fall apart in life are the moments with the most potential. Your plan seems good, I hope the course helps you fulfil it, as I hope it will help me find a new direction of travel.:)
I like that you are seeing the positives in your situation.
I see my emotions as having two separate levels; immediate and long term. I can laugh at jokes etc, and an animal movie will put a lump in my throat, but looking at long term I have very few apart from frustration. Part of my job hopping cycle I think is down to not knowing what I like and dislike, so not even knowing if I like the job that I am doing 🤷‍♂️
 

VPUK

New member
I am the same with the employment. My longest job was 3 years and have had lots of jobs since 16 years old that have been a lot shorter than that!