Dating and relationships

sstiel

Member
I wanted to put my thoughts here. I'm 35 years old and I had hoped to be married with children by now. I'm a virgin as well.

I've struggled to date and have relationships with girls/women. I'm better socially but can still misunderstand and be misunderstood. In my experience, the problem with having a small social circle is you tend to think you have a special bond with one person and think there'll be no-one else like them out there in the world. When they say they are not interested in dating you, it can hurt.

Is there a European dating site for autistic people?
 

Floz

New member
Hi sstiel, I appreciate that this isn't what you were asking for (so please feel free to ignore if it isn't relevant or helpful for you!) but I'm of a very similar age and had some of the same issues re small social circle so I can't help but sympathise.

In regards to dating apps, I've had more than one heartbreak where a connection really felt like a special bond but it didn't work out that way.
Being a woman living in a city it is fairly easy to meet people on apps, but I've found it's a complicated way to meet people as many of them still want to 'shop around' for partners or don't seriously want a real relationship.

Generally my best relationships have come from following my special interests - for example, I studied Philosophy part time as a mature student and met someone great at university.
Last weekend I moved in with my awesome current boyfriend who I met thanks to my passion for politics, as we were both members of a local branch of a political party. Oh, and he's autistic too!

I wish someone had given me this advice years ago, and if it isn't right for you then hopefully someone else may see it and find it helpful:
If you can, join a club or take a class or volunteer or attend hobbyist meetups, anything to meet people who love the things you love.
It's a really good way to meet friends and partners and to expand your social circle, and I found it's a great confidence booster too.
Also, when dating (or failed attempts/wishes to date someone) have gone wrong for me, those things made it easier and helped lessen the damage to my confidence.

I wish you loads of luck! My boyfriend is a similar age to you and hasn't dated anyone in many years but we hit it off immediately. You don't have to be perfect socially, there will be people who are excited to get to know you just because :)
 

SingsWithNature

New member
Dear still. Hope you are finding some luck. I wonder what you would like to have in common with a partner....shared interests can be a way of meeting people and maybe less intense than coming at it from a dating angle...less to lose in a way...a pants date is pants but if you don't like someone in a group doings something you like you can go hang out with someone else or in solitude while doing something you enjoy....just thoughts....keep on sounding it out and you'll find your way :)
 

Iveta

New member
I wanted to put my thoughts here. I'm 35 years old and I had hoped to be married with children by now. I'm a virgin as well.

I've struggled to date and have relationships with girls/women. I'm better socially but can still misunderstand and be misunderstood. In my experience, the problem with having a small social circle is you tend to think you have a special bond with one person and think there'll be no-one else like them out there in the world. When they say they are not interested in dating you, it can hurt.

Is there a European dating site for autistic people?
I don’t put much faith in dating sites. I like to get a feel for how comfortable I am with people in the real world. Lotta times I clicked with people online but in person, just nope!

I agree with what people have said about special interests. I met my partner at D&D, he’s also autistic and we just clicked instantly. We understand when the other one is overwhelmed and compensate for each other.

I know meeting people is hard for us but I don’t do too badly in small groups where I know 2-3 of the people already. Get a couple of your circle to come with you to a new hobby and help you make new friends - hopefully a special lady will spontaneously appear :)
 

DManD

New member
Dating apps don’t work because we never evolved to have massive choices of people to choose from. Dating apps triggers FOMO Fear Of Missing Out in neurotypical people. In nature humans are our main predators. Woman are physically weaker than men so anything out of what they are familiar with will make them run too something they do know does not matter if it is good or bad. It is like some people they try one restaurant, and at the end of that experience nobody died so they go to that same restaurant for the rest of their lives just incase someone dies in another restaurant lol 🤣. That was a joke ok? Do Autistic people get jokes? Remember the Queen’s funeral? People queued 10 hours with strangers and the experience of bonding with a perfect stranger made them want to do it all over again. We evolved doing stuff together, working in the fields together, or going out hunting together, spending time so we can learn that another human being is not a 1 in a million chance of being a threat to our lives. People who studied history have noted that in the middle ages violence and murder was much more common then than now. The Prison system and natural selection has put an end to that. But still we have the same caution and having trouble reading body language I imagine will make people more careful. These things seem obvious to me. I not sure if it makes me ‘autistic’. I have always been very sensitive to body language being born with a hearing impairment, I can only suggest that that coupled with bullying and domestic abuse affected my social skills early in life, but what do I know? The person who suggested interest groups is spot on follow that person’s advice. In my experience people who self identify as ‘autistic’ have always hated and resented my existence.